My father gave me a huge complement yesterday. He told me that I am handling all of this well. He said he has seen many people crack over situations like this. I have never really heard anything like this from my father. He is the type to not speak much, but when he does it is profound.
I don't think I have the luxury of cracking up. How could I afford that financially and emotionally. I have already been rocked off of my path, I won't let that motherfucker win. I am just astounded at the lie of marriage. How often in this day and age it is taken with a grain of salt. Kyle told me after we got married how he didn't believe in the institution of marriage. Are you fucking kidding me? You tell me this after you said vows in front of God and 200 people. Can we say that this man has a fucked up brain? Maybe even a personality disorder? If he knew how to listen to his heart he would have not said those vows. I would have rather been jilted than have to go through all of this bullshit.
Today is easier than yesterday. And I hope that tomorrow is better than today. He "said" he is bringing the rest of my stuff down tomorrow. We will see what the traditionally unreliable fuckstick does.
Yes I am angry. Wouldn't you be? I love how people say, " Well, at least it was only 8 months" or " be glad you didn't have kids". I want to scream and slap the shit out of people who say this. Does that make it easier to deal with or worse? I am still getting a divorce. I still hate the idea of love and marriage. I still want to go crazy like a maddened banshee and ruin his life. I still want to rip his face off and set it on fire underneath a full moon. I am still hurt. I still had a huge wedding. He stole those happy memories away from me. I will never be able to get that experience back. The bachelorette party, the bridesmaids, the wedding night. I will never have another big wedding. I will still be jaded and wary of relationships in my future.
He will not see me tomorrow if he comes down here. I fear I will erupt and be immature. I actually feel my heart breaking. I have almost vomited multiple times thinking about all this. I am more than grateful for my friends and my parents. I wish I could give them all of the stars in the sky for the unconditional love they have shown me.
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Your dad is correct and I think I've told you the same. You are handling this remarkably well. Your true love will come one day and HE will have been worth all this worthless piece of crap has put you thru. You won't need a big wedding to profess your love because it will be so apparant God & everyone will already know. (He won't make Mable piss herself either.)
We are always here for you. YOUR smile & laughter is OUR reward.
Love, Suzy
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