Had a date with my husband last nite...

I know that I can overcome my hurt feelings, it will just take awhile. He seemed to say all the right things last night. We are in a better place in our communication and relationship.

I threw half of my stuff out, and when I walked in the house in Mereta
all of my stuff was in the house. I am a freak about recycling and giving clothes to Salvation Army. He said it was so unlike me to throw clothes out and not give it away. So he seperated my clothes so he could bring it to Salvation Army. He found our wedding cake topper and it shattered, so he glued it back together...even though the brides head is missing.

He fished out perfume and bathroom stuff and put in back in the bathroom. He got my brushes out and put in back in place. He got decorations and paper lanterns I threw out and put those on the walls. It was sweet really, it a strange way. He said he kept telling himself "this is not what i want....i do not want a divorce". He said he worked outside straight for three days fixing our house to sell it. People came by like a wake, helping him out silently. I can see him pensively hurting.

When I saw him yesterday for lunch he looked like he hadn't eaten a decent meal in days. More wrinkled than he was a week before. I saw he was hurt and apologetic. I believe him because I love him. I truly believe things will work out the way they need to. Austin here I come!!!

If I never would have moved my stuff out, I don't think he would have realized what he had. He said he "thought" a lot while I was gone and realized how he could handled things differently. He called himself an asshole which is appropriate. I was held responsible for my actions, as well. I am very reactionary and angry.

I wonder why things happen the way they do. Why are men and women so drawn to each other? To make a life together and have children. Why do we want a home and to mate for life? Our society has really fucked it up for us. SO many things that affect us. Whether it is movies, music, internet....whatever. Kyle and I talked about this last nite. Maybe that is why we have so many homosexual kids our age and younger. We are confused. We have things like Sex and the City and Entourage that teach us to be selfish. We are so focused on ourselves, on our introspection.

Kyle and I will rise above the selfishness. We will put each other first. We will love. One of my best friends Lindsay is an absolute saint, although she would hate to be called that. She is my latest spiritual advisor. She says happy has a rule book that guides her, which is the Bible. She was so excited about me and Kyle trying again. She even cried a little. She believes in love. She is truly happy about Kyle and I. The only one I think. Part of that is my fault.

I talked very badly about Kyle. I bashed him to anyone that listened. I made him look like a monster. And I am sure that he did the same. So we begin this healing process. It will not be easy. But, maybe this is the first "for better or for worse" shit we will have to encounter.

I have learned so much about myself and my relationship with the man that decided to marry me. I finally feel a little peaceful.